Hey God, She’s Dying. Where Are You?

I’m still coming to terms with the idea that my mom is dying. It hardly seems possible. I mean, I knew, eventually, she would die. But death felt faraway. It still feels far away. If she is dying, it’ll take time. My mom was in OK shape, physically, before her sudden decline; she was decently hydrated, and like I said, the woman has a knack from coming back from the brink. She’s done it before. Why couldn’t she do it again? Never mind the fact that she hasn’t really eaten in six days … just a few bites of sorbet and sips of water through a plastic pipette.

It doesn’t feel like she’s dying. I don’t feel an overwhelming urge to sit by her bedside until she finally passes away. Maybe I should, but what is the point? Nothing is happening. She’s lying there, corpse-like. Sometimes her eyes will open, and then she’ll fall asleep again — eyes still open. I can tell she’s sleeping because she starts snoring. I don’t know what to do with myself, so I squeeze out a large dollop of citrus-ginger scented hand lotion and quietly massage her arms and hands. I say a few prayers, tell her it’s OK to leave this world. And then I shake my fist at God.

Really, you’re going to drag this out to the bitter end, huh? 

It has been ten years — give or take — since I noticed something was wrong with my mother. That’s more than 3,000 days. And here we are. Waiting. Waiting on Him. He must be Latin, just like us… we’re always late.

My mother’s family is very religious. Everyone is praying for her. And if they’re not praying for her, they’re thinking of her. There are a lot of thoughts and prayers are floating around … “You’re in my thoughts,” “Recite this prayer,” “Tell her we love her.” I’ve also been told that God will take her when he’s ready. I realize he’s very busy these days, what with mankind slaughtering one another (in His name), but surely he can move her up the list… I see it sort of like a transplant list. He’s transplanting her from Earth to Heaven. But this dilly-daddling is total bullshit. I find it difficult to believe in a loving, kind God when a) he takes his time escorting her through the pearly gates of heaven and b) this is how he saw fit to treat her these last ten years. With a terribly grotesque disease that has rotted out her brain. My mother who devoted herself to her church and to God. Frankly, I’m surprised the woman never became a nun. A life of prayer would have suited her, I think.

So here we are waiting. Waiting for her to bounce back and resume a life of nothing or waiting for her to die. Peacefully, I hope. And in a timely fashion.

Don’t Stop Asking About My Mom

I have a message for my mother’s friends, family and acquaintances: She’s still alive.

My mother’s heart still beats. Though she might not be able to talk to you, walk with you, or share a laugh with you, she’s still here. She’s still alive.

If you spend any amount of time with her, you’ll quickly realize she’s here…………. and like most living, breathing human beings, she craves touch. Hold her hand. I do. Yes, it’s hard, especially when she yells out; I hate watching my mother’s face contort in such a way that it looks like she’s in pain. I know she can’t be……… but maybe, she knows. Maybe she knows she’s trapped inside a body that won’t follow her commands.

It’s a muggy Sunday afternoon when I visit my mom……….. it’s just after noon and she’s eating (or rather drinking) her lunch. The caregiver asks if I want to spoon-feed her the rest of her liquified meat.

Next time someone talks to you about the preservation of human life, try thinking about the thing that really matters at the end of the day: quality of life. Or how about this: DIGNITY.

Midway through her meal of watery green goop and off-white, milky muck, she chokes and coughs. Brownish goo comes flying out of her mouth and splatters all over my green shirt.

I start to feel angry……. not at her, rather at those who have forgotten her. Her family and friends………….

My mother did so much for so many people………. When the church would call, she would pray, she would volunteer to give communion to the sick, she would give of herself. When her family called with a crisis, she would pray, she would provide the means for them to literally have a better life…………. And now, she’s alone.

No one asks for her, really…………… On her birthday, there were no calls, no e-mails. Nothing. It was another day for the rest of the world.

After lunch, I take her back to her room. Her fingernails are too long………. I ask the nurse for a pair of clippers and start trimming. It isn’t long before my back starts to ache and my abdomen cramps just a little………. I’m hunched over, just inches away from her hand. Fingernails fly up and flick my face.

Her toenails are another challenge. They’re twisted……. they overlap and are stiff from lack of use………

I need to remember to bring nail polish remover next time. The gold paint I swiped over her toenails last spring still remains……………… was it last spring; has it been that long? Am I the only person who paints her nails? UGH.

My body twists and contorts so I can find just the right angle to trim her thick toenails. Mom is sound asleep. Good. I think she’d be yelling if she where awake.

She inhabits a place somewhere between life and death.

It’s a grotesque place.

By the time I leave, I have a headache and my blood is boiling. I feel nothing but hate and resentment. I know I should let it go…………………. After all, what’s that saying? Something about hatred poisons and hurts me, not them?

I don’t care. Shut up. Stupid quote. Nonsense. This is unforgivable. Where’s a vengeful God when you need one? Fire. Brimstone. Come on!

After a few days of stewing, the anger eventually subsides……………. is it anger? Maybe it’s hurt. Resentment? Rage? Jealously? Contempt? All of the above. I try to cut myself some slack……………… yes, I wish I could be more serene about her illness………….. but then, I think back to those darker days, and the anger bubbles up again. STOP.

I wonder if there is a heaven………………or a hell. I wonder what God will decide.

I wonder if He stopped asking about my mom, too.

 

Life After My Demented Mom or A New Year: Time To Think On Death

Clock Work / martinak15
Clock Work / martinak15

It’s another year.

And I am trying to be optimistic about 2013 — optimism is not my strong suit — mostly because, at this point (knock on wood…… the gods can be very cruel), the worst thing that could happen is that she finally passes away………………….

She must be close. She can’t walk. She can’t talk. She yells. When she’s not yelling, she sleeps.

I’ve been thinking more about death and dying. What will it be like when she sips her last breath? Will I feel her soul leave her body? Will she die in her sleep? If she dies in her sleep, will something wake me up? Will I feel her departure? Or, will her organs slowly shut down? When will I finally hear the words, “she’s actively dying?”

My lovely yoga teacher Lea suggested I read The Tibetan Book of the Dead. It’s not what you think. This isn’t some exercise in the macabre. I just want to be ready. To use Lea’s words, I want to “hold the space” when that time comes. I want to be with my mom when she’s “actively dying.” I want to hold the space. I want to help guide her on her journey to wherever she goes.

(She is a saint and, no doubt, will live in paradise)

I want to make her passing as peaceful as possible.

For her.

For me.

And then  my life will start over again.

Who am I without My Demented Mom?

There’s a lot to contemplate in 2013.

>>Flickr pic by martinak15