A New Home

I moved home. Well, I moved into my own little place just 15 minutes from my parent’s house.

My first few days back were weird and the reality of my decision finally set in. I was sad. I cried. This life was never part of my plan.

When I was 15 or 16, I used to think that by the time I turned 30, my life would be glamorous, I would be tremendously successful, and the meaning of life would be clear… I’m almost 32. I have no job. I am alone. I am starting over. I have no idea why this is happening to me or to my family. I think a lot about karma these days: Why did I choose to be born to this demented woman? Am I being punished by some higher force? Is there some lesson I’m supposed to take with me to my next life? Am I in Hell? Is this human experience simply meant to teach me the value of patience?

So not part of the plan. At least there’s a Starbucks in Hell.

Of course, this move really is a chance to mend my family; to spend time with my mom before she gets even worse; and to hopefully become a better, more patient and loving human being

What has happened these past three or four days, and what proves this was a good move, is that I can spend small or large increments of time with my parents and when I’m cooked, I can go home and decompress. Very important.

I said in an earlier post that if my gut had said stay in New York City, I would have stayed, but my insides screamed at me to move back to Phoenix. Despite the hurt I’ve felt these past few weeks and the pain and disappointment I may have caused others, I know this move was the right choice for me.

2 Comments

  1. Kathy,
    you are a courageous and noble soul. thank you for this blog and all you are doing. this journey of life is a constant unfolding and most of us don’t get to “choose” our way. the best we can do is exactly what you are doing :: what YOU think is right. Alzheimer’s is an awful disease. i experienced six months of it with one of my hospice (volunteer) patients who was the in advanced stages. i watched her one day as her husband visited with us and talked about a women he began keeping company with. as he spoke, i watched her as she watched him, she became still (which she rarely was, always distracted, fidgeting). i appeared to me on some level that she was understanding him. or maybe that was my projection, i don’t know. maybe she was just listening the way a baby listens to a parent’s voice, even though the don’t understand the words… but, it just made me wonder how much we don’t know. even though the memory is gone, how much remains intact, in terms of deeper understandings. anyway, i just wanted to share that with you and i hope you and your family are getting the support you need. (perhaps you may want to consider a yoga class in there with your running and golf…?)
    many blessings to you,
    karen

  2. Me siento triste por todo lo que dices, realmente a veces parece que ya no puedes mas con esta situacion cuando realmente esta recien empezando para ti.

    Lamentablemente todo esta sucediendote alla en Estados Unidos, si fuera en Ecuador, todo seria diferente..como lo dices en otro post, las familias latinas son unidas y no dejamos a los viejitos o enfermos solos, alla siempre hay una tia, una prima, un sobrino, otra tia y otra prima para ayudar y auqnue parezca raro hasta un vecino en quien contar…es una pena que no podamos estar todos alla para ayudarte y “turnarse” con el problema. Ese es un precio que nos toca pagar por estar lejos de todos, si algo le pasa a mi hermana en USA o a mi aca…estamos solas. Si Gaita hubiera sabido que pasaria esto, quizas estuviera en Ecuador y no hubiera sido tan dificil para ti, pero ese no fue el caso.

    Lo que puedo decirte es que sigas teniendo fuerzas y confies en la decision que tomaste, quizas despues no te vas a arrepentir de haber regresado y poder pasar tiempo con tu mama, aprovechala mas que nunca…

    Yo nunca conoci a mi mama, no tengo idea de que le gustaba, cual era su color favorito, ni siquiera se como sonaba su voz….mama solo hay una y ella te necesita ahora.

    Adelante Kathy, pero como te dije antes, cuidate tu tambien, te quiero mucho

    this time will pass…

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