I’m just gonna say it. I am not digging Christmas this year. At all. 2009 has been, all in all, a challenging year for me and I just don’t feeling like toasting the holidays. OK, maybe I’m focusing more on the negatives of the year — there have been plenty…… but lots of positives too. Good job. Good friends. Lots of love. Kind acts. Two balls of fluffy kitten love. Sunny skies in December. Parents who love me very much. A mother who still tries to mother me……………… in her own demented way. I suppose love is the thing. Love takes strength. Love is courage. Love is fearlessness. Stare love in face. See what you get back.
Interestingly, I’ve been called a pessimist or negative a lot this year……
thing is, I challenge anyone to walk in my shoes (or any caregiver’s shoes, especially the full-timers) and still see the silver lining every second of every day.
I struggle with that label: NEGATIVE. But the thing is, this disease never really lets me move on. Every week is a reminder of the loss. When the holidays come around, it’s like taking a BIG YELLOW HIGHLIGHTER and highlighting the fucking loss……… specifically, the loss of family or what I always wanted family to be. Happiness, lots of people, a big living room filled with tinsel and laughter.
My heart is filled with a mixed bag of emotions…………….sadness, happiness, grief, anger, passion, frustration, love, joy, wishes, fears, anxiety, wildly vivid dreams, HOPE.
I confuse myself.
There are days when I feel strong. There are days when I am my own worst enemy. I have no idea when this is going to end. It’s terrible to say, but when I think of HER death, I think of the ties that bind being cut loose. FINALLY. Freedom? I don’t know. Will guilt consume me instead? Will the holidays serve as a reminder of how I failed her or how I should have done more?
Life is good.
Glass half empty.
I have no bits of wisdom when it comes to any of this.
I could give you my usual HOLIDAY TO DO LIST: Keep the crowds to a minimum, it may confuse your demented parent. Try to stick to the schedules. Don’t ask, “Do you remember…….,” avoid celebrating around sun downing, etc. You know this. You can Google this…………. instead, I want to talk about the caregivers and how the holidays affect all of us, part-time, full-time, near and far.
Dementia is a TERMINAL disease.
We are the damned ones.
This post has turned quite negative.
I’ll leave it as such.
A dash of hope.
There is a light, but there is also another tunnel behind it.