Taking It Out On the Lucky Ones

I don’t tend to get pissed off very often… you know, the kind of pissed-off-rage that suddenly comes over you like a blanket, only to have this urge to hit something (or someone). That feeling or moment came over me last Sunday………………………….

I took my mom to church and although I was prepared — she wore a diaper — we still had an accident. A messy one. She had made it to the toilet, wiped, pulled up her diaper, walked out of the stall……………. and then this this look came over her face…… that look that I’m sure most young kids give when they just realized they pooped their pants — so close, yet so far.

Mom sat back down and when she pulled down her diapers there was a little mess… OK, I’m OK… my “diaper” bag was in our pew so no spare diaper… let’s just clean it up and hope for the best………………… she had a better idea, she put her finger in it. Things spiraled from there in terms of poop-gate. I eventually got her mostly cleaned up….. I think some poop splattered on my foot and a little got stuck in the nail of my thumb. I will say that it took a lot of self control to not vomit……………….. vomiting crossed my mind. I just couldn’t wipe and puke. OK. Wipe, wipe, wipe and let’s roll! Things were cool. We were cool. She was cool. I was cool. We survived mass………………….. amazing.

And I was fine. A little frazzled, but cool………………………………

I texted my boyfriend at some point to tell him about what had happened. He replied with an upside down emoticon……….. I mean, truly, what do you say?

“sucks to b u. LOL…”

Not long after the emoticon text, he texted me to tell me that he had just had lunch with a friend at Paradise and they were hanging out by the pool.

I snapped on the inside. I was pissed. I was angry. I was mad because he was doing what I would like to do……………… have lunch with a friend and hang out. As fast as it came over me, it was gone……. I would never ask or expect my boyfriend to give up his Sundays so he could go to church with us… he does enough for my family……… nor would I ever ask him to stop telling me about his day………… like any good boyfriend, he was just giving me an update……………….. but there was this flash, this flash of anger……….. jealousy. I suppose we all feel that from time to time…….. envy ………………. because we aren’t like other people; we have responsibilities and obligations…………. you show up because that’s just what you do.

Taking your problems out on those closest to you is not uncommon….. some days, life just gets under your skin…….. I am at a point now where this disease is like a phantom limb…. I know the limb is gone, but sometimes I can feel it….. I know the disease is there, it doesn’t always affect me, but every now and then, it just pisses me off…………… that, and it’s too hot out……………… and the person who is at the receiving end of my crankiness is Jon. I know it’s not fair……………… I try to sequester myself when I’m in a funk, but sometimes, my funks can last for a couple of days………………… I just feel sorry for myself. I feel angry. Resentful, bitter and filled with contempt — especially towards those in my own family who I feel judge me and my dad………………… or judge the name of this blog.

Because that’s the real problem……………………… [insert sarcasm].

Jon is kind. He is compassionate and patient. He doesn’t get angry. He doesn’t lash out. He just waits for me to come out of the fog……………………………… to get over it.

Until the next time.

My latest funk has been a bit nasty………………………… just thinking about her, poop, life, its meaning, my purpose, my dad, his health, next steps with my mom….. do we put her in a home next year? When is the time right? What if we face a similar situation like last time? When will this end?

Overthinking is rarely good for the soul.

>>Flickr pic my one of my personal faves…. Meredith Farmer

6 Comments

  1. Dementia is a “dementor” – it does suck the life and happiness out of all that it touches. Be glad that you recognize your pissy moods, be glad that you don’t lash out on Jon, be glad that you have Jon. My hugs to you. May you continue to gather that inner strength you need to be there for Mom. And once in a while – go outside and scream!!!

  2. the other day, my mom and I were having a mellow day, my sister and i took her out shopping, we had lunch, we were good. Then she snapped in the afternoon and tried to run away from home. I was just smoking (i know, bad) and she was just standing next to me, she said she wants to walk around the front yard so i said, sure while watching her like a hawk, then she started jogging.i ran after her and told her she cant go jogging alone she needs company and she got physical. OMG, i wanted to manhandle her but she was so tiny and fragile.

    – i follow you on twitter 😉 more power to you, more power to us 🙂

  3. hey

    I am having a hard time – I can’t make mom better – no t mentally, not physically.

    i am so thankful that we have her where she is – there is some sense of independence

    but she isnt

    this awful condition she has really compromises her day to day – and somedays thankfully less

    Today I had t0 thank my family = thank them for taking on some of the dialogue you need to have with someone like mom who isnt all there

    I borrow from them patience

    today we had to remind her to not pick at her face again – she cant remember why — this the women who taught me how to grow up and take care of myself

    she has 7 bottle of “brown stuff” to cover the sores on her face ( cover up) – because she does care what she looks like – she is so beautiful

    I cant contine to argue over the lack of a top sheet on her bed – I just took the blanket to clean tonight.

    And she didnt want to sleep in the night gown we bought her – she wanted to sleep in her robe (I turned it right side out for her )

    My family was waiting outside – i kissed her and hugged her gooodbye.

  4. Your boyfriend needs to be reminded that his comment was not appreciated, and I would be pissed as well.
    He needs to show compassion for your situation. I personally would dump him. You don’t need aggravation on top of being a caregiver.
    Charlotte
    age 58 with a boyfriend who has cognitive impairment

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