Part One… The Beginning of the End

Life with my demented mom was proceeding rather smoothly in recent days………………. by smoothly, I mean mostly bumpy, lots of twists and turns, blind spots and a few “watch for falling rocks” signs dotting the road………….. And then she drank dish soap. The trauma of vomiting and ingesting something that should never ever be ingested took its toll. She was bed-ridden, refused to eat, slept for hours on end, and it all came to a head last Friday. I came over after calling the house………… my dad and I were supposed to have lunch…. I was hoping she would feel better by now….

“Um, yeah, Kath, I can’t get her out of bed. She peed in the bed.” I left work and headed over. I thought I could fix this. I’m the fixer in the family. I fix things when they go horribly awry. I tried to get her up, gave her some Pedialyte, and finally decided to call 911.

A truck carrying what seemed like a dozen first responders came to the house….. they took her vitals, tried to talk to her (um, I said she is severely demented), and then we waited for the ambulance to come. Small talk is always awkward in these circumstances……. So, when did she get sick? How long has it been going on? Are you an only child? I was sitting on the bed right next to my mother who was still lying in her own urine. She had refused to move and I couldn’t push her over………. she’s still stronger than me. What a sight.

Until this blog, I’ve mostly omitted what went down, instead focusing on the dreamy EMT who tended to my mom….. EMT Scott. It’s easier to focus on the mundane and mild versus the traumatic and grotesque. It’s also probably best for my own mental state. No one should have to see their parent in such a horrifying way.

Meantime, I wondered what they would tell their families when they got home that night….. Christ, you won’t believe what we walked in on. What a fucking mess. What the fuck is wrong with people?…. In the ambulance, I apologized to one of the guy who was riding in the back with me…. I tried to explain my situation to him. “It’s cool, don’t worry, you can’t even imagine what we see…. this was nothing,” he tells me.

I forced myself to believe him.

I wonder what his family is like………..

Soap, as it turns out, wasn’t the issue….. Fun fact: soap goes right through you, so manga!! Eat all the soap you want. You’ll puke it or poop it out. But it won’t kill you.

We arrived at the ER around 11 or 11:30am………. several tests, a shot of Ativan and a catheter later, and nothing. There was nothing wrong with her except that she was dehydrated. And demented. Severely demented.

And by severely demented, I mean severely demented.

Of course, her disease and dehydration didn’t really matter……………. what mattered was the insurance company. And the insurance company was apparently saying that mom needed to be released like the next day. A nurse asks me if we can take her to a group home.

This is not how I planned to place my mom.

A group home?

She has a catheter inside of her body. She has an IV. She can’t move. You want me to find a group home so you can discharge her less than 24 hours later? Um. Fuck you. She’s staying. I will not be rushed into anything…. not again.

Sarah the social worker comes is…. she’s cool. I explain the situation….. At this point, mom can’t go home. Dad can’t handle her anymore, it’s taken a severe toll on his well-being. And clearly, she can get into anything. It’s time for her to be placed, but a few pieces of my plan were not yet in place……. namely, no ALTCS, Arizona’s Medicaid. We were “ALTCS pending.” Dreadful status and NOT what a home wants to hear………… So, I might be able to pay you, just not yet. Maybe next week. But can you like take my mom and take good care of her?

The truth is, it’s a business…. but I’ll get into that later.

I told Sarah where I wanted my mom to go….. I had researched this place. I had a plan to essentially get her used to this place…………………. What happened next was always a possibility. I was just hoping God was on my side.

Man plans. God laughs.

There are no beds and there’s a waiting list. 

And so began the mad rush to find a group home, a nursing home, a place that would take my mom……… I hate deadlines. I write for a living and deadlines are a part of my life. Granted, I do better with deadlines, but this deadline was bullshit.

>>Flickr pic by Elycefeliz


  1. I sure hope you find something close, great and fast (hope!). At least find something decent and close by, so you can monitor her care at this point. I believe you can always transfer her out to another location, when a bed opens up. This is difficult, i know. My heart goes out to you. Keep us posted.

  2. Kathy, I have been reading your blog since I was working at isa , my mom is in the same situation. We have done the Altcs route , shoot me a private email on linked in and I will share with you some things that I learned along the way Terry Runion

  3. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. It’s hard enough to have to plan placement, it’s quite another to have things go so sideways. I’m feeling so much for your family. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

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