And Then The Other Shoe Dropped

My grandpa passed away over a week ago. This, following everything with my mom…………………….. he was 94. We knew his life was coming to an end, but to have it happen so soon after we placed my mom, and in a way lost my mom…………………. I know my mom is in a much better environment, a place where she can be properly taken care of by people who are trained to deal with people like her………………… people who don’t wretch when they smell poop; timing-wise, well, her placement was a blessing because my father and I could attend grandpa’s (his dad’s) memorial service in Minnesota.

There’s no way we could both go and say goodbye if she were still at home……………..

It’s this kind of outcome or timing in life that makes me wonder if there is a God, because clearly he tossed me a most-fucked-up bone, but a bone none-the-less.

Still, the last few weeks have left me feeling, I don’t know, quiet.

And sometimes stingingly agitated.

There’s a part of me that’s incredibly paranoid about what’s next — what could possibly happen next? Will it be me? Will something happen to me? I worry about my health.

But then, I try to calm my mind. To breathe, which is actually a very difficult task.

What transpired over the past few weeks is simply a part of life………………… my life. And everything with my mom has led me to this point where I should be able to cope with her placement. To walk away when she screams, DESPIERTA AMERICA! because she wants to follow me out the door.

The thing is, something is troubling me and I can’t put my finger on it……………. there’s something off, something that leaves me feeling disconcerted.

My emotional compass feels out of whack.

I try to remind myself that the life I live is better than lives led by 90% of the people on this planet. It’s a unfair comparison to make, because I will always lose — someone is suffering more than I could ever imagine, but still………………….. humans can cope and deal with a lot. That’s how we were designed.

At least that’s what I think.

Perhaps we can ingest a lot of shit, but sometimes it takes a while to digest it…………..

I guess that’s where I’m at.

Digesting everything that has transpired over the last few weeks………………

Two different passings.

 

>>Flickr pic by Meredith Farmer

7 Comments

  1. Prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family at this time of multiple loss. I think you are right sometimes it just takes us a bit longer to digest and adjust to the next phase of our life. I wish I would have known you were coming to Minnesota as I would have loved to have finally met you if you would have had any extra time. Keep up the great work you are doing. Your voice needs to be heard sending you love and prayers

  2. Hey Kathy, listen to that “somethings not right” feeling. Don’t just blow it off and hang in there! You have a lot of people rooting for you and your family.

  3. I feel like I’m somewhere between being a daughter and being an adult-orphan. And I feel like my mom is still with me… but she’s not..and I’m grieving her loss, but she’s not gone, kwim?

  4. Thank you so much Lori. Thank you… it continues to be trying. I feel like I’m going to crack some days. She ate her own feces. The thing is, I only expect it to get worse, more complicated, etc. sigh. thanks for your good thoughts and prayers.

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